Friday, March 25, 2016

I'm A Perfectly Imperfect Hot Mess

    Let us just cut to the chase here, um k?!  I'm a majorly messed individual. I have issues of epic proportion. I do not exude confidence typically. In fact, in all honesty, my self esteem and body image are far closer to the terrible side. I am a failure, never going to be good enough, ugly, fat, old, untalented, possessing no real skill or gifts, I am a bad wife and mom, lazy, stupid and unintelligent, lacking wisdom, I'm broke and without abundance, despised, alone, sad, angry, undisciplined, unloved, unsuccessful.....

    This is what my depression does to my mind.  Like a broken record, playing over and over again on constant repeat.
Never ending

    Or rarely ending. It is relentlessly self-deprecating, self-loathing, mean, cruel. Depression is the bully living in my own mind. I feel held captive. A hostage take over of negativity and pessimism of my brain occurs.


When this is not happening, I am usually sad. 
Very sad. 
 Crying sad. 
Or mad at being sad and depressed and no longer myself. I have lost my identity.  An emotional roller-coaster.


I want to stay in bed. 
All. The. Time. 
Just sleep. 
I can not cope with the emotions and thoughts. Sleeping is peaceful. 
Sleeping is calm. 
Sleeping lets me feel somewhat normal again. There is no self inflicted verbal abuse if I am asleep. 


I am a wife and mom so I have to cope, even if it is in the most minuscule way. I have lost my desire to be joyful, the drive, and ambition to live life to the fullest. 
I feel trapped.  


Let us not forget the worry. Massive amounts of it. Worry over the burden this disease puts on my husband. Worry over the strife it causes within our marriage. Worry over the toll it is taking on my loves. Worry over the animosity. Worry over not being who my husband fell in love with anymore. Worrying I am doomed to forever be this way. Worry my life is now tainted with the stigma that is mental illness.


We get to the guilt! 
Yeah! That's fun.
that I'm not present enough for my beautiful blessings. 
that I am taking their childhoods for granted and time is passing us by all too quickly. 
that they will resent me and my mental health issues one day, if they don't already.
I'm not living to my full potential. 
 this will be our family legacy now. 
 Lots of guilt. 
Tons of guilt.

Shame of being judged or misunderstood because of this chronic illness
Shame that I can NOT just 'get over' it and be better again. 
Shame that in the midst of it, I can not seem to remember who I and Whose I am. 
Today is a good day. Far as days with depression go. So I can remember: 
GOD's Promises.
And cling to them.

This is my favorite Scripture. Though hard to remember in the midst of this ferocious disease.
Depression: the silent killer.
Still yet, I MUST persevere for my husband and children. 
For me.
A healthy me, makes a better wife and mom.
I am needed.
I am loved.

It is HOLY WEEK and I greatly sense the presence of my LORD and SAVIOR. I have HIS company always.  At my most hurt, empty, anxious, panicked, frightened, confused, vulnerable, sick, my most forsaken by GOD, I have this companion who has been there before me and will always be there with me!  Nothing I think or do in this volatile, messy state can shock HIM. Nothing I say can make JESUS turn away.
I am reminded I am enough!
I am me! 
Hot mess me!
 Fierce me!
Strong me! 
Perfectly imperfect me!
But the me GOD created! My CREATOR makes no mistakes! 
I am fearfully and wonderfully made!
I am alive for a reason, and have a purpose!  

So I just want to encourage you today, if you too suffer from this debilitating disease, as I, that there is hope. 
There is support, a place to be heard. You are strong and courageous!
You WILL get through this and come out on top!
Please, don't give up!
Please feel free to contact me if you need  prayers, a listening ear or a friend. And know that I do understand, care deeply and remember that CHRIST JESUS most of all! Seek HIM, cry out, get in THE WORD.

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