Saturday, November 23, 2019

Al-Anon Meeting: Admitting I can't "fix" him!

SO,
 I have truly struggled with whether it is "time" to share the fact that my husband is in fact not only a sex/porn addict but also an alcoholic. 

Well, it is my truth. 

It is my life. 

It is real.

 It does hurt. 

It does just quite frankly suck majorly.

 It is the elephant in the room.

 I don't care if this brings him shame or humiliates him anymore because it definitely does these things to me. I have been in such a dark, deep depression for years. It has given me anxiety, panic attacks, and PTSD. 

He has made these repeated poor choices and flat out refused help. 

SO,
There. It. Is.

In my dream world he is in counseling, getting treatment, currently sober, attending AA meetings, taking part in the Big Book study and doing his Twelve Steps, and attending Celebrate Recovery. But it is all delusions, merely a pipe dream. The fact remains he doesn't care. He doesn't want help. 

My counselor had given me a book years ago titled 
"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal" written by Barbara Steffens, PhD, LPCC and Marsha Means, MA
First of all, unlike "A Woman's Heart Restored" that I had been given by a mentor at church whose husband is a recovering porn addict and most other books written for partners of this type of addiction, this new book is NOT written to "help" you understand the addict and his or her addiction. Rather, it IS written to "help" you survive, recover, and thrive, no matter what your partner does with his or her addiction. 

What a breath of fresh air for me! Finally, hope! So, I read in this book that I would in fact benefit from some sort of Twelve Step Program myself.

 At first I was insulted, angered, resentful, and flat our refused. After all, I am the sane one. 

The rational reasonable one!

 I'm not the addict! 

HE needs help not me! 

I'M THE VICTIM! 

I'm just trying to get him help and sober! I just want my life back and if he got sober and "cured" of his addictions then all would be fabulous! 


So, I went to the AL-Anon website and found a meeting on Sunday evening. Actually several years ago, probably five or more, in my obsession to "cure" my husband I discovered Al-Anon as I was online looking for an AA meeting for him to attend. He refused at the time. I had never heard of Al-Anon before. There were no meetings where we lived at the time, so I didn't ever go or really give it much thought until now.
It seems to be helping or at the very least it is a safe place with people who understand. 

I'm no expert.

 I'm just a heartbroken women trying to navigate this messy thing that is consuming my life. 

I have no answers.

 I have no words of encouragement. 

I have no cure. 

What I do have is a voice.

A means to let other women know they are not alone.

 I know how it feels to have a crappy marriage.

 I know how it feels to find things you wish your eyes could unsee.

 I know how it feels to be depressed, to be hurt, uncertain, not knowing whether it has been enough. 

Not knowing how to leave because you have young children together.

Sure, it is so easy to say leave. Screw him. 

I get it.

 I was that person.

 I am that person to others. 

Noone deserves to be hurt this way. We are worthy. We deserve love and respect. 

But....

XOXO,
Dana