Monday, August 29, 2016

The Mess of Me

Back when I decided I wanted to blog in like what? 2012 or 2013? I was under what I now believe to be the VERY misguided delusion illusion of what I envisioned for my little nook of the internet. I thought my blog HAD to be this sort of cookie cutter, mommyhood, Christian wife, Pinterest-perfect, beauty of darling precious proportions!
My depressed, anxiety, OCD, often self-loathing, hyper self-critical, perfectionist, type A personality, couldn't fathom for even a nanosecond that anyone in their right mind would want to read about the REAL, mess of a human I really am; my struggles of daily mom life, my marital issues, and mental illness, the yucky,unpleasant me had to be hidden from the interweb masses at ALL costs!

Rejection, disappointments, poor choices, dark times, a marriage literally more often than not on the verge of divorce, a husband facing many battles of his own, financial strains, shame from my own past, a potty mouth, messed-up/dysfunctional extended families/relationships and estrangement, betrayals, loneliness, anxiety, depression---you name it, I or we (Kevin and I) have weathered it. I NEVER ONCE stopped to think that anyone could relate at all to all that muck! 

I wasn't praying over my blog (or much of anything consistently) much less being GOD led! I was living in darkness and just kind of trying to "wing it" on my own. Talk about living in la la land! I truly believe there is a very fine line between what we wish our lives looked like, therefore what we portray sometimes AND the actual reality, the behind closed doors truth! I just couldn't bring myself to be transparent, authentic, or real for fear of rejection and nonacceptance. Humiliating embarrassment of Titanic proportions was the ONLY thing I could imagine! Sure, I knew that GOD could bring beauty for my ashes, turn all my mounting trials into my testimony but MY testimony is just downright UGLY! There was no way in you-know-where I would ever or thought I could ever shine the light via my cute, little blog! Wasn't gonna happen! Surrender???
Uh! No thanks, GOD! I absolutely DON'T wanna! Can we say baby toddler temper tantrum Christian, much??? I'm here to tell ya, OBEDIENCE can be so HARD! I for one, quite actually, frankly suck at it mostly!

You know what though? The nature of grief and or pain is inherently isolating. I ALWAYS feel like I am the ONLY one! But when I am in a season of great joy it's all good! You get my drift, right? I'm ALL happy, good things EVERYWHERE!! But when my heart is broken? ALL I CAN see is EVERYONE ELSE has EVERYTHING they need! It is so revealing and moving that GOD does some of HIS BEST work in and through us when we let others in on what feels so lonely and heavy! It is VITAL to share ALL of it! IMPORTANT to share our pain, joy, hurts, whatever it is going on in our lives because you NEVER know how it may affect or touch some other person that really needed to hear our story because it related to them. GOD is with us in the midst of EVERY aspect of our lives, but HE also ministers to us through people, books, Christian TV, blogs, social media, etc. as part of HIS body of believers or even nonbelievers to share with us and encourage us! So, therefore is OUR testimony very, very, very important?

Most of the time I think, "Oh! They won't or couldn't understand, receive, accept, etc. my heartache!" But I do all the time from others very easily! And with the healing I trust GOD for through wherever I go, whatever journey, whatever challenge, whatever valley, I hope in the LORD and I hope that I CAN help others find that same healing, redemption, grace, mercy, hope, comfort, and love from my LORD and SAVIOR. JESUS who came to give it to ALL of us. HE is the ONLY ONE who can give it adequately! Having faith doesn't mean it ALL goes away instantly but it does mean, "BOY! I HAVE a SHEPHERD who is ALWAYS looking for the one who is wandering!" JESUS wants us to know HE cares! To take us in HIS protective arms and presence!

You know what? I'm turning over a NEW leaf! 
I WANT to be open and honest and talk about my challenges as a human being! 
Shine the light!
Be comforting!
This IS what I AM called to do as a believer! That IS why I am here on this earth!

BUT I AM also the thirsty, hurting, hungry, lonely person that GOD wants to reach out and DO what no one else can, like the SHEPHERD that HE is, like HIS SON JESUS CHRIST and hold me close! I want an even deeper, closer relationship with GOD that not only HE knows my heart, because HE already does, but that I can get to know HIS heart!!

I have been going through a season where I NEED something!? For my life to feel MORE connected to GOD, and the people around me. My daily devotionals have almost stopped. 
My kids get up early!
 Life is busy! 
I get lazy!
 Am I content? 
Am I at peace? 
Do I feel joyful?
 NOTHING is MORE important than that time, daily, quietly, alone with JESUS! 
So why is that ALWAYS the FIRST thing in my life I sacrifice if I get overwhelmed or busy? 
But you know what the the beautiful thing about it is? 
I CAN begin again, each new day because of HIS forgiveness, grace, mercy, and love for me! I find that I can actually see what GOD is doing to and in my heart if I start my day centered with HIM, connected to HIS unconditional love, to HIS heart for me, there is a peace, a quality of life that stays with me throughout the whole rest of  my day, that I can't recapture if I forgo my morning prayer and Bible time and try instead to maybe occasionally squeeze some in at the end of my day at best but here lately not for weeks or more at a time
is how I want to live EVERY day, with that sense of GOD connection--That HE created on purpose and for a purpose in me.

The refreshing thing is that there is NOTHING I HAVE to do to "EARN" more of or even any of HIS love! I can't even "ruin" HIS love for me! When I start there and ground myself in that place in my mind, I become VERY FREE!!! So throughout my day now, I am trying to connect with people, to serve, to minister, to laugh, to live again! Just get into the presence of GOD first thing every morning and remain there all day! I NEVER regret it when I do or go unchanged. 

Through me and other women together we CAN show the love of CHRIST and let the world know that GOD loves us ALL extravagantly. Start again from scratch each new day. Be women who help other women by sharing our stories or trials and how we overcome along with the joys. Take our stories that bring the LORD glory to the lost and to those that are discontented, disconnected from HIM, share our desperation and what GOD has done in our lives!  


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