Al-Anon Meeting: Admitting I can't "fix" him!

SO,

 I have truly struggled with whether it is "time" to share the fact that my husband is in fact not only a sex/porn addict but also an alcoholic. 

Well, it is my truth. 

It is my life. 

It is real.

 It does hurt. 

It does just quite frankly suck majorly.

 It is the elephant in the room.

 I don't care if this brings him shame or humiliates him anymore because it definitely does these things to me. I have been in such a dark, deep depression for years. It has given me anxiety, panic attacks, and PTSD. 

He has made these repeated poor choices and flat out refused help. 

SO,

There. It. Is.

In my dream world he is in counseling, getting treatment, currently sober, attending AA meetings, taking part in the Big Book study and doing his Twelve Steps, and attending Celebrate Recovery. But it is all delusions, merely a pipe dream. The fact remains he doesn't care. He doesn't want help. 

My counselor had given me a book years ago titled 

"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal" written by Barbara Steffens, PhD, LPCC and Marsha Means, MA

First of all, unlike "A Woman's Heart Restored" that I had been given by a mentor at church whose husband is a recovering porn addict and most other books written for partners of this type of addiction, this new book is NOT written to "help" you understand the addict and his or her addiction. Rather, it IS written to "help" you survive, recover, and thrive, no matter what your partner does with his or her addiction. 

What a breath of fresh air for me! Finally, hope! So, I read in this book that I would in fact benefit from some sort of Twelve Step Program myself.

 At first I was insulted, angered, resentful, and flat our refused. After all, I am the sane one. 

The rational reasonable one!

 I'm not the addict! 

HE needs help not me! 

I'M THE VICTIM! 

I'm just trying to get him help and sober! I just want my life back and if he got sober and "cured" of his addictions then all would be fabulous! 


So, I went to the AL-Anon website and found a meeting on Sunday evening. Actually several years ago, probably five or more, in my obsession to "cure" my husband I discovered Al-Anon as I was online looking for an AA meeting for him to attend. He refused at the time. I had never heard of Al-Anon before. There were no meetings where we lived at the time, so I didn't ever go or really give it much thought until now.
It seems to be helping or at the very least it is a safe place with people who understand. 

I'm no expert.

 I'm just a heartbroken women trying to navigate this messy thing that is consuming my life. 

I have no answers.

 I have no words of encouragement. 

I have no cure. 

What I do have is a voice.

A means to let other women know they are not alone.

 I know how it feels to have a crappy marriage.

 I know how it feels to find things you wish your eyes could unsee.

 I know how it feels to be depressed, to be hurt, uncertain, not knowing whether it has been enough. 

Not knowing how to leave because you have young children together.

Sure, it is so easy to say leave. Screw him. 

I get it.

 I was that person.

 I am that person to others. 

Noone deserves to be hurt this way. We are worthy. We deserve love and respect. 

But....

XOXO,
Dana

Learning to LOVE Myself

I truly do desire to have a more positive self-image and better self-esteem! 

I have an awful tendency to be so self-sabotaging, critical, loathing, etc. I know 

that there is no better source of teaching on the subject of self-love than GOD's 

WORD! HE has a book FULL of good things to say to me and about us ALL! 

But...

For me, remembering to turn to HIM and HIS TRUTHS is a different story entirely.

 MOST of the time.

 I do believe that possessing a positive self-image is BIBLICAL.  If I have a 

healthy and strong sense of myself and my worth in HIS eyes, I will no longer 

feel that need to worry about what other people think or say about me! I know in my heart that I don't HAVE to be "perfect" in the world's eyes but telling my 

mind that and remembering that TRUTH are a different story, yet again. 

Tell me I am not alone here? 

I also know I don't have to be 'first" or "best"! I should have no need to 

compare myself with others because I am happy being who and WHOSE I am 

 in JESUS CHRIST! But it isn't easy for me nor does it feel natural most of the 

time.

So, basically GOD says my FIRST steps ARE to be TOWARD HIM:
 seeking HIS face, following HIS laws, putting HIM first and self-centered pursuits last, right?? That I should line up with HIM, HE will lead the way, and all I HAVE to do is follow. As I begin to look to HIM more and more, the GLORY of HIS IMAGE will get imprinted upon me! 

Now, that I'm totally digging! 

Bring it on JESUS! 

I want my self-image to get so wrapped up in GOD, that I loose myself 

in the process, and become FREE!! 

YES! 

Give me that!

 I sure need it! 

I want that liberty for myself! 

Having my identity soundly established in the LORD 

WILL make a MAJOR difference in how I get through trials and storms, too. I 

will NEVER know who I truly am until I see who GOD really is. I pray I find my true identity!

Now what though? 

I'm not even positive I have any clue as to what a healthy 

and good self-image even looks like!

I hope to learn and apply that it is believing with my whole heart that GOD created me and HE loves me unconditionally. Knowing it means I do have faults, free will, weaknesses, and a sinful nature and wanting to improve and grow but also realizing GOD is working in my life and changing me day by day.  So I will no longer have to focus excessively on my weaknesses. 

A GODLY self-image=liking myself, refusing to reject myself, not based on how 

people treat me or their perception of me, it is rooted in the fact that GOD 

created me and HIS SON,  my SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST died to  redeem me!

 So, I am encouraging you right now, along with me, to PROCLAIM, out loud,
 "I MUST be VALUABLE! JESUS died for me!! I am determined to commit to striving for a NEW attitude toward myself!"

Have you ever even thought about your relationship with yourself?

For years, it NEVER even occurred to me that I even had one with myself! In 

fact, I NEVER did until GOD began to teach me, here recently, how to improve 

it! Maybe the idea has NEVER entered your mind either?  But the truth is we spend MORE time with ourselves than anyone else! So, getting along well with myself is vital to my well-being.

Joyce Meyer always says,
 "Don't be IN love with yourself, but LOVE yourself."

I  love that! 

So simple, yet personally challenging for me, also! 

 SO, it boils down to me not loving myself=misery!  

Why? 

I am ALWAYS with myself! 

I see now  that I am the one human I will NEVER get away from, NOT even for one second of my life! Now, this brings me to: Do I like myself? I have times almost daily when I am very critical and reject myself. Self-rejection and hatred have contributed to  MANY of my life struggles. 

Let's look at:

Think about it:

Rejecting or holding hatred towards OTHERS causes ALL kinds of problems in 
 relationships with them, so why wouldn't doing those same things to myself
 cause the same kind of issues within myself?  I am fully aware that my depression, anxiety, and PTSD often put me in a VERY dark, self-deprecating, tormented place. I often feel so beat down and  lost to my circumstances, my storm. Self-loathing are typically on replay in my  mind. 

But the LORD hears my cries and has often lovingly whispered to me,
  "Just who do you think you are, MY dear, beautiful, daughter, to hate yourself 
 after I sent MY ONLY SON to suffer so horribly and die in your place?  If I loved  you so much, surely you can learn to love yourself?" 

 WOW!

JUST WOW!

Talk about taking me down a notch or two and putting me in my place!

THAT!! ^^^^
IS what CONVICTION feels like in my personal relationship with my 
 merciful, loving, gracious, wonderful FATHER!!!  

HE often really opens my eyes to the mistakes I make daily, usually. Might take 
 me awhile to let it sink in and CONSTANT reminding from the ONE who loves 
 me, but hey, isn't that what makes GOD the most PATIENT,UNDERSTANDING,  WISE, GLORIOUS, HEAVENLY FATHER, that HE is???  So begins my journey to learning to love and accept myself! 

 I encourage you to do the same if you haven't already done so.

 Take a step of FAITH and say to yourself, 

"I love myself with the love of GOD. I accept myself?" 
Even do it while looking at yourself in a mirror!

That SCRIPTURE urges us to pursue and go after peaceful relationships with 
 GOD, others, and OURSELVES. I want to encourage and remind myself to 
 embrace and accept myself because GOD created me just the way HE wants me 
to be and made every unique thing about me. HE loves me tremendously, so I 
 have to let that TRUTH empower me to not only "like" myself, but also to LOVE myself! As I am, slowly but surely growing in this way, I am noticing that some 
 of my "problems" or "issues" are decreasing and I KNOW they WILL eventually ALL go away, in JESUS' NAME! AMEN!  As I'm again, slowly but surely beginning this new journey of  thinking and talking and differently about myself, my  entire attitude toward myself is improving and changing for the better. 
Give GOD the glory! 
I've become more positive and confident and I've begun to enjoy my life so much more. As I have, I am also seeing the love of GOD flowing not only to myself but also through me to others!

Love Yourself!

Laugh at Yourself!

Don't be so serious all the time!

As often as possible have a good laugh!

Ethel Barrymore is quoted as saying, 
"You grow up the day you have the first real laugh at yourself."

I just love that! 

I am so guilty of taking my personal faults and mistakes just too damn seriously at times, frankly! 

I have spent massive amounts of unnecessary time opposing myself, being my own worst enemy. I so often judge myself more strictly that I do anyone else and I focus on my faults far too intensely. I should take my sin seriously, obviously, and want to improve though. But many of the little, everyday things I treat as monumental are really not so terribly important. So, I think I probably should just relax and give myself a break!


GOD knew my every flaw and weakness I would have and every mistake I would make when HE called me into existence and then a relationship with HIM. NOTHING about me is a surprise to HIM anyway! He knows and has known everything about me, what I will think, do, and say every day for the rest of my life. 

HE also knows how HE will:

 Help me. 

Teach me.

  Correct me.  

 Encourage me.

  Give me grace for all my many, many, many faults and failures no matter what I do or have ever done in the past! 

THIS TRUTH should set me FREE to lighten up, enjoy being who GOD made me to be and have a laugh at my own self!

I am who I am and NEVER perfect. In fact, sometimes I REALLY mess up! 

That IS part of being human. 

Free will.

A sinful nature. 

But if I also love GOD, have a heart to change, and ask HIM to help me, then I CAN relax! GOD is working in me, changing me every day, helping me to grow. GOD is NOT mad as me! I MUST enjoy HIM, enjoy myself even though I am NOT "perfect". Settle to not be so serious all the time. As often as possible have a good laugh!

There is restorative power in confessing a healthy self-image. 

Look at Jeremiah 1:12

 One of the MOST powerful things I can do as a believer is to confess GOD's WORD out loud! HIS WORD is TRUTH and when HE hears me speaking HIS truth and living my life according to it, great things happen. 
I am encouraging myself to declare these BIBLE-based TRUTHS repeatedly, so they CAN become part of the foundation of a strong self-image in my life:
#1   I KNOW GOD created me and HE loves me.
#2   I HAVE faults and weaknesses, but I WANT to change! I believe GOD IS changing me little by little, day by day. While HE is doing so I CAN still enjoy myself and my life!
#3   Everyone else also has faults, so I an NOT a complete failure just because I am NOT perfect! (JESUS is the only ONE perfect anyway!)
#4   I AM going to work with GOD to overcome ALL of my weaknesses, BUT I realize that I will NOT become discouraged when GOD convicts me of areas that NEED improvement.
#5   I WANT to make others happy and have them like me, but my sense of worth does NOT depend on what others think of me. JESUS has already affirmed my value by HIS willingness to die for me!

It also helped me to make a list of my GOOD qualities. Then I often take a moment whenever necessary to think about how these positive attributes are a blessing to me and others. I thank GOD for making so many GOOD things about me too! 

Then I pray this prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,
Help me today to be established and well grounded in the TRUTH of YOUR WORD concerning my self-image and to confess YOUR TRUTHS in faith! Thank YOU, FATHER for creating me. Thank YOU for my personality, physical features, voice, talents, gifts, and heart. Help me, to NOT struggle with being thankful for "who" YOU created me to be. Show me my worthiness in YOU. I pray that I will be confident in YOUR love for me. I pray that YOU will be my validation and comfort. May I be entirely fulfilled by YOU and You alone! For YOU are my GOD and I love YOU! 
In JESUS' NAME!
AMEN


XOXO,
     Dana